Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
