i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
