I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
