I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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