and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
