I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
