Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
