alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How does it feel to date your dad?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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