Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
