I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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