Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
