I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
