Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
