Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
