i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
