I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
