Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
