respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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