My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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