Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
