Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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