so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
