I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
