Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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