So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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