A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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