My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
