Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Randomize
