I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
