i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
