I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
