this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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