his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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