i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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