Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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