Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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