I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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