Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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