I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
