I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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