allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
