Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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