just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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