if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
