I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
