I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
