sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
