There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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