I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
