I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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