What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
